I recently unlocked an entry from my private stash. You can find it here. The reason I'm unlocking it is to say this..

I'm giving up with Jim & I. I'm putting it all into his hands and unless he puts forth an effort to visit me, we're never going to meet. I can't dwell on this shit and hold out for a possibility of love. It's not fair to me to keep longing for something that I'll more than likely never have. My coworker friend Heither asked what would happen if we eventually meet and sparks fly. My response was simply 'then we'll shack up together and have lotsa babies'. Haha. I'm not going to worry myself about it. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

So the Rob guy that I mention in that entry? Yeah, we've been friends online for about 2 1/2 or 3 years, right? Well, we tried the whole online relationship thing about 2 years ago but that obviously didn't work for us. He abandoned whatever we had for the possibility of something in real life, which is completely understandable. At the time though, it very much crushed me. He knows how much it hurt me, he's apologized for it before, and I think that he honestly would take it back if he could. The problem though is that I have some problems getting close to him now.

Why, do you ask, am I discussing this? Some seemingly random digression from the previous subject?

Well, the night before last, he told me that he loved me.

I'm really lost as to what to do. I told him that I was scared of committing to him before one of us gets a chance to visit the other because of what happened before (& also because of what happened with Jim even). And I spoke the whole issue over with Lucy online soon after, trying to just come to some sort of resolution to the "problem" (which really isn't a problem at all).

I like him. I do. He's wonderfully smart, funny, cute.. He's a great guy. Of course there's the problem with the whole distance thing though. I think I'm just gonna take it easy until I can possibly visit him in July (he's the guy that said he'd pay for my Ozzfest ticket if I visited).

Besides, Jim said many, many times that he'd visit but he never did. I don't want to get committed to someone that won't put forth the effort to see me. I mean, I'm not saying that Rob is like that. I'm just saying that it really hurts, ya know? It hurts when you become set on meeting that person & ending up with that person but they don't feel that same devotion to you.

Ya know what I want? Something like this. I want someone that will give up everything they own for a chance to be with me. I want someone who will fly halfway across the world just to spend time with me. I want that devotion. I want that romance.

I don't know if I'll find that with Rob. Hell, I don't know if I'll find that with anyone. I guess I have to take a chance eventually though, right?

So yes, I'm leaving my options open. I'm going to try my very, very best to visit Rob in July. I'm going to see how things work out with him (only after I visit him, of course). The great thing is that I know he understands why I have to wait. I know that he supports my reasoning behind it. It's nice to not feel any pressure to be in some sort of relationship.

Anyway, I guess that's all I really wanted to discuss. Oh, and also, I stopped by the nursing home that Mum works at yesterday and weighed on their scales (I figured they were more comparable to the doctor's scales than my scales at home are). According to it, I've lost 14/15 pounds. This thrills me. Congratulate me and such!

past - future