First of all, talking with Rob doesn't help at all. I always feel like a fucking fool for opening up to him (even if it's only one randomly-placed statement). I mean, I already know he doesn't care, ya know? So why do I even try to tell him shit? And while on the subject, why do I mention one of us visiting so much? It's never going to happen. I don't even know why I want so much for it to happen either.

I think I'm just clinging onto him and wanting visits and stuff because he's so much closer to me than Jim is right now. I'm craving the closeness and the idea that someone actually cares enough to see me. I'm being fucking annoying and dependent again. And the worst thing is that I never realize I'm doing it until it's too late. I get so tied up in the way I feel (or think I might feel) that I latch onto these people and end up only making a fool of myself or driving them away or something.

I keep wondering if that is what's really happening with Jim and I. Maybe all this bullshit that I put him through, with my worriness and everything, has finally sent him over the edge. What if he's away so much because he can't really stand to be around me?

How can I change something like that about myself? Where do I even start?

I don't want to be clingy anymore. I don't want to be so worrisome and needy. I don't want to freak out so much or cry all the time. I want to be a normal, stable individual.

And on the subject of wants, I want to stop tearing myself up over Jim. I want to stop killing myself over the possibility of never finding someone. I want to realize and accept the fact that it's not the end of the world if I don't find someone soon. I want to accept that I can live my life happily and perfectly without a significant other. I mean, there's always this voice in my head that utters things like that when I get all depressed but I don't think I'm strong enough to put my complete faith in that.

Deep down, I know that it's definitely not going to be the end of the world if Jim and I don't ever really work out. Hell, I know that I'll be okay if I never really meet him. I mean, I know it'll suck if I never get to meet up with him and hang out for a while but I know I can make it.

I guess one of the reasons that I'm so hung up about him is because he's the first person I've known in my life that made me feel so damn attractive, ya know? Before him, no one ever told me I was beautiful and sexy and 'hott'. Or 'stunningly radiant'. No one ever gave me that much attention. Truthfully, he's the reason that I've grown to love myself more the past year or so. He helped me realize that I wasn't as unattractive as I had always believed. He gave me confidence.

I don't want to lose that. What if I never find someone like him again? What if this is the only chance I have to actually be with someone that's halfway decent? This is why I feel such a need to visit him or for him to visit me. He's a really great guy and I don't want to pass up a chance to be with him.

I'm really afraid that he won't like me if we ever meet though. Maybe he'll like me more if I lose this 100 pounds. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised and there really will be some sort of spark between the two of us.

I suppose that's all I really have to say right now. I'm feeling a bit better after venting and everything. I really need to evaluate myself though and move past some of these things. Maybe I should find a creative outlet to vent through. Boring online journals don't really scream creative outlet. Maybe I should stop procrastinating for once and really start writing like I've always wanted to do. You have to start somewhere, ya know. Or maybe I should paint. I have to do something. Or I'll drown in myself and lose all hope of escaping..

past - future