2005-04-04 - 11:30 P.M.

So Nicole's birthday went fairly well. We didn't really get to go clubbing though because we didn't really head towards Florence until late and I had to be at work the next morning (because I'm a retard and didn't ask off work). And it was too late to really see a movie either (I really wanted to see Sin City but yes, work next morning). Basically all we did was hang around the mall for a short while before the stores started closing. Then we went to eat at Applebee's, Jess ate too much (after doing so well with the diet thing up until that point), and finally we kinda just drove around Florence for a while until heading back to my house. It was pretty uneventful but I think she enjoyed getting away from everyone for a bit.

Well, Saturday night, after I got off work, I headed over to Winfield to go to the carnival with her. The entire reason she went was to get a funnel cake & a caramel apple. She didn't even go on any of the rides. Who does that?? Anyway, I managed to get one ride on the ferris wheel type thing with her probably, soon-to-be cousin, who is around 8 or 9 and absolutely adorable. I love kids. Oh, and then there was more ruining of the diet with stupid nachos & cheese. Ugh. I have no self-control. Well, I do. But I just decide to give in anyway because I'm a loser.

Anyway, that's pretty much been my life since I last updated. I'm a bit more sane than I think I came across on the last entry though (with the stuff about Jim at least). It's just that.. I have this awful fear in my head that I'm going to be alone forever. I know that it's completely irrational and very improbable but it just lingers there anyway. Or what if I've somehow passed up my only chance to ever be with someone without even realizing it? Maybe my one true soulmate has already left my life and I never will have an opportunity like that again. What then?

Sometimes I am so level-headed about things and have the whole 'If it's meant to be, it will be' mindset but at other times, I don't even know myself. I wish I could always be that level-headed, more sane person. I don't like being so insecure and worrysome and afraid. I want to be content with being by myself right now.

I want to not cry when I open up the local paper to find out people that I grew up with & have known since I was a child, are now marrying or even having children. And I'm still waiting for just a kiss...

I mean, I know that they're getting married awfully young. And chances are that unless they're really, truly devoted (which from knowing them for 10 years or so, I think I can successfully say that they aren't the type to be devoted to anyone.. But maybe they've changed?), things are not going to work out between the two of them and they'll be divorced within two years. I know this but for some reason, I still envy them for what they have. And they probably take it for granted..

I wish I were less emotional. I wish I could spend one day without thinking about true love or some wonderful prince/princess sweeping me off my feet. I wish I could last just one day without feeling so alone & incomplete.

And I realize that this is just rambling on for ages and probably not really interesting anyone but maybe it's just something that needs to be said.

So I have this theory as to why no one has ever really been attracted to me, right? Jim's already heard it and I know it'll probably sound stupid but that's because I'm bad at explaining, not because it's a bad theory. It makes a lot more sense until I have to put words to it. So pheromones are what attract people to each other, correct? And if you think about it, sex drives are directly related to pheromones. Well, in comparison to other people my age (not just now but even comparing 13 year old Jess to her hormone-riddled, sex-on-the-brain peers), my sex drive is quite low, which would suggest that the level of pheromones I give off aren't really so in your face, ya know. So just by using simple logic, I've always been single because I'm not constantly horny, obsessed with sex, and dependent upon its presence in my life. And if no one in my life has managed to subconsciously pick up on these faint pheromones by now, not very many will ever do so. Or I don't think so at least.

If that above paragraph makes any sense whatsoever & is actually true, then this means that Jim will very likely not be attracted to me when he visits. There just won't be a spark, so to speak. Yup.

Anyway, this is enough pointless rambling for one entry. I hope my poor explaining didn't confuse anyone. Like I said, it makes more sense in my head.

past - future