2005-03-29 - 10:50 P.M.

Wow it's been a while since I've updated. First of all, last Thursday, I went to Birmingham to see a doctor that most of my family have already been to at one point or another. He specializes in diabetes and high blood pressure. Anyway, my blood pressure happened to be normal that day (130/80) and the EKG came back with no problems. He did say that I had "what could develop into diabetes" though. Of course this means that eventually I'll have diabetes no matter what I do, but apparently I can delay the onset if I watch what I eat and lose some weight. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm actually doing pretty good so far.. Even though it's only been a week. Anyway, yeah, I was in Birmingham mere hours before the Shadows Fall concert. I was in the same city as my absolute favourite metal band and I missed them. And Mum doesn't understand and says 'why don't you just buy the album?'. Wtf?

In other news, I got really contemplative and semi-hopeless last night so I text messaged Nicole and told her that I was tired of dreaming and thinking that someday Jim would visit me. And do you know what she said in response to that? "Sometimes you have to work for your dreams." And she's completely right. I should really visit Jim. I want to see Alaska anyway so he gives me a good reason to do so. And Nicole also made another nice point when she said that we both need a vacation and visiting Jim would be a perfect opportunity. I just have one word in response to all of that: Money. I could probably save up enough to visit him around his birthday but could Nicole? To be honest, she has a lot more financial responsibilities than I do (which probably makes me sound spoiled). She's liking the idea of a road trip to see him but I'm not because really, that's like 3 days of constant driving. And that's just one way. Plus, it'd more than likely cost a LOT more than a plane ticket (around $600 for me but $1200 for both Nicole & I) since Mum wouldn't let me borrow the car anyway.

Simply put, I don't want to keep holding onto these feelings I have for him if he has no intention of ever visiting me or anything. And if he really doesn't have that intention, then I don't want to move off to Florence and still feel like I do. I want this cleared up. I'd feel like I was concentrating on something that there might not be any hope for and that's not any fun. I want to get rid of the uncertainties that lie with Jim & I, whether that means that we meet & try a long distance relationship or we meet & just remain friends. I'm tired of wondering. I want to be able to give up this idea without any regret of what might've been. Does any of this sound awful? It's not as if I'm anxious to brush him off or anything. I love him, I do. It just hurts to constantly wonder how things are between us and where we might be in the future. I don't like wasting time.

Nicole's birthday is this Friday and I think we're going to spend it in Florence. There's the possibility of going to Club Upscale in Huntsville that night but I'm not entirely sure about that anymore. And besides, I think I'm a bit too self-conscious to go clubbing. Haha. I'd probably end up feeling out of place or something. While trying to find the address for the club though (for driving directions, of course), I found a GLBT pride store nearby that I'd kinda like to check out. I dunno.

By the way, who else is fucking pissed off about this Terri Shiavo bullshit? I can't believe her family went to the fucking president about this whole thing. Whenever someone is in a state where they're unable to make a decision for themselves (ie. fucking brain-dead comas), the decision automatically falls to his/her spouse. Husbands/wives, then adult children, then parents. And I don't want to hear the bullshit about how "he doesn't really give a shit about her and just wants to get rid of her". Then why the fuck doesn't he just divorce her? Doesn't killing her seem a bit extreme?? I mean, if that's the real reason, why didn't he just divorce her 16 fucking years ago? And what's with the fucking brilliant protestors trying to sneak glasses of water to Terri when she can't even fucking swallow? Bah.

Also, I'm going to make this brief because I just don't know what else to say about it. Tasers = never acceptable in schools. There's been a recent ruling in Alabama to allow teachers to carry tasers. Fucking tasers. There's also talk about them even being allowed to carry guns. What. The. Fuck. Is that really necessary??

I hate people sometimes. Well, a lot of the time actually. Almost all of the time. Sigh.

Anyway, I've kinda ran out of things to talk about for right now. Go figure. More later though. ..And by later, I definitely don't mean another week. Damn my lack of regular updates and/or things to talk about.

past - future