I hate not having anything to compare. I have nothing to say 'oh, yeah, I felt like that once before with my ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend' towards or 'yeah, I've been there, done that'.

Anyway, I know some would disagree with the fact that I've never had anything to really compare to all my friends' relationships/loves. Some would tell me it's my fault that I'm alone like this.

Some would be right..

I think my problem is that I built this kind of thing up in my head for so long. I've had 20 years to figure out what I want & I'm stubborn enough to not want to deviate from that even a small bit. So I figure I'll never be satisfied with anything now. No one is perfect enough.

Well, one has been perfect enough. Eh, I feel really distant from him lately though. I try talking to him about it but he won't devote enough attention to me for me to talk seriously with him for more than 5 minutes.

I try to blame it on my bad timing but a small part of me keeps piping up about how that's not fair. It's not fair to me that I can never talk about things when I want to talk about them. I mean, I could but then I'd have to either basically talk to myself (I'll be damned if he's going to contribute anything to the convo or maybe even say 'I understand' or what-the-fuck-ever) or just completely kill the conversation.

Honestly, I don't feel like it's my fault at all. I was trying to talk to him about this earlier -- about how I feel really distant from him & how I thought at one point that it might truly be my fault. Maybe I'd done something to upset him or make him distance himself from me, ya know? Eh. Whenever I try to talk to him about feelings & shit, he gets quiet & I start thinking that maybe I'm pushing too hard or something. So what does Jess do? She tries pinpointing the entire thing on her (ie. saying that I'm overreacting about it, etc.).

That pisses me off sometimes. I don't like being like that.

I was reading supposed traits of Leos once. There was a line about how we sometimes can hold our loved ones on this pedestal and pretend they're perfect. And then we're disappointed when they turn out to be merely human. I know those traits & such are all a load of bullshit but stuff like that makes me think. It makes me analyze myself, ya know? So I like reading 'em.

Anyway.. Yeah, I do that. I do it mostly with friends but I've done it a lot with him in particular. Even Spring before last when I'd only known him for a couple of months. I'm not sure why I've always had such an amazingly high regard towards him. It was inevitable that he'd eventually hurt/disappoint me in at least one area, ya know?

I don't know why I talk about this so much. I wish I could stop running a lot of it through my head. I guess I keep thinking that the next time I go over it, I can come to a more logical conclusion or maybe finally figure out why we're not like we were a little over two weeks ago. Is it me? Is it him? Are we going to grow apart completely like we did for those many months near the beginning of the year?

Overall, I'm really unsure about the possibilty of us growing apart. Part of me is terrified of the idea. What if we grow apart & the plans (eh, loose plans maybe but still plans of sorts) we've made fall apart as well? Another part of me thinks it might be good for both of us to kinda be apart from each other for a small bit.

I was all to myself there for a long while. I didn't have someone else occupying most of my thoughts. And now I have an old friend/love who is talking about visiting & maybe staying. I have all these emotions now that I didn't have for a while.

I sometimes want to run from it. Sometimes it's too much to bear.

So yes, I guess it's my fault if I end up all alone. It's my fault that I'm alone even now.

Has this actually went anywhere?

End.

past - future