Ya know, it's pretty pathetic when you're so broke that you don't have enough money to run to Wal-Mart & buy a blank notebook to write your thoughts in.

I tried lying down & going to sleep earlier but I mistakenly glanced down under my nightstand before crawling into my bed. Underneath my nightstand is the book that Alison sent me as a Xmas pressie ("Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself" by Sabrina Ward Harrison - I highly recommend it). I couldn't sleep until I picked it up & read it for a while.

Flipping through that book always makes me want to cry. Some of those pages read like thoughts that constantly fly by in my head. Insecurities about weight & worrying more about love than embracing it. Some of the things in there I feel I've already learned but some of them I read & wonder why I never reached that point before. How does one read something like that & grow from it? How do I change myself to better fit how I want to be? I feel like I'm just stuck, like writer's block in a way, & I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole & continue my growth as an individual.

I sometimes think I was lucky during junior high & all that jazz. I never really questioned who I was or who I wanted to be (not in a big way at least). I was myself. Period. I had already figured out who I was by then. Or maybe I had just never lost myself to begin with.

I think that's what keeps me from knowing where to go from here. Maybe this is why I don't know how to grow as a person. Because I didn't struggle with who I am. There was no remarkable transition to this from something less.. me.

I want to learn how to become more confident with myself. I want to love myself more. What bothers me is that I expect this to be some sudden, overnight thing. I wish it could be.

Truthfully, I've grown a lot over the past year & a half. I attribute most of that to Jim. Jim instilled confidence in me. That confidence carried over to all other aspects of my life. I still don't think he realizes how much he helped me out. He still helps me out. I learn more about myself almost every time we talk.

I want to lock this entry. I don't want anyone else to see that I'm unsatisfied with myself at this point in life. I don't want to appear weak to people. I hate coming across as weak. Vulnerability scares me.

On second thought, I think I'll leave it unlocked. I don't particularly feel like hiding right now.

Reading back over this after typing it up, it doesn't really seem like it's went anywhere. Maybe I'll feel differently about it later..

past - future