2005-10-24 - 1:26 A.M.

So we finally got the internet at the apartment. Unfortunately, I'm stuck using Sparkles' desktop system for a while until I can get my own. Mother put one on Layaway for me at Wal-mart little over a week ago. An Emachine. I'm pretty excited about it. I told Jim that he could get me a really kick-ass case for it for Xmas. Haha.

So anyway, this week has most definitely been a week of firsts for me. From like Saturday before last (the 15th) up until last Friday (the 21st). One first cannot be named really though. Another first was my first kiss. It wasn't really what I expected. I think it's because I had built it up so much over the years. Or something. The last first of WoF (week of firsts) was alcohol. I didn't really drink that much though. Or I don't think I did. Maybe I was wrong. I dunno.

I had this huge entry planned out in my head where I detailed all the "first" experiences but I have forgotten most of it. Go figure.

I'm really just feeling like shit anyway so it's probably best that I don't fake it & put up some happy entry or some such bullshit. See, Jim & I have been talking a lot lately about visiting and such, right? He's been saving up money since he got a job back in early summer but has since been laid off (Skagway is apparently horrible like that. From what I hear, there's not much to the town at all during winter months). Therefore, he doesn't have enough money to visit me & he has no job to use to add more money into the fund.

A round-trip plane ticket from here to there (or there to here, whichever) costs roughly $600. If I visited him, I'd no doubt have to budget for a hotel as well because I'm not sure his parents would welcome me there. Add in extra costs for food & such and it'd probably end up like close to a grand or something. That's insane. Whereas if he visited me, he'd only have to budget for a plane ticket & a couple hundred for extra.

Since he's laid off & I have so much shit to pay for, it could be fucking ages until one of us could visit the other. Probably this time next year before he could visit me & at least April/May before I could scrounge up enough money. So..

It only makes sense to me (and sense to Tia as well, unless she was agreeing just to be doing so) that I pool part of my money with what Jim already has saved up & help get him here for a week or 2. Does this make sense to anyone else? The problem with this is that Jim is adamant about paying for the trip himself. He's always been like this. I'm pretty sure if he were starving & had no money to buy food, he wouldn't accept $20 from me. He's that way with everyone. So to talk him into it a bit more, I offered up the idea of him just paying me back whenever he was able to. I think I convinced him to at least ponder the idea. I don't expect to receive a yes though & therefore, I'm pissed off. He said he didn't want to wait a year & I'm giving him the opportunity to possibly see me by Xmas. And 20 bucks says he just throws the opportunity away & tries to scrounge up money himself. Bah. He's still looking for a job right now though. Perhaps he'll find one. Or take me up on my offer.

Anyway, I've been talking to Tia a lot about it. And after what happened with her & Blake, she's really skeptical about me meeting Jim. I think most of it amounts to worry that I'll get hurt the way she did. She's told me about the first time they laid eyes on each other. She could see in his eyes that he was repulsed. And now she's afraid the same thing will happen with me. It doesn't make me any more confident about the situation, ya know? It only makes me sit here & think that maybe all this that I've been building up in my head the past year & a half has been for shit.

Another part of me feels immune to it even happening. Part of me wants to say 'Just because it happened with Tia & Blake, does not mean it'll happen with you & Jim'. I wish the other part would listen to that part.

I guess I'll never know unless I try, right? No one ever has gained anything without risking something.

past - future