2005-09-09 - 11:49 P.M.

So Sparkles & I are apparently not getting the apartment right now. He called the landlady a couple of days ago & she said that the people who were supposed to move out still hadn't. I'm not even sure if they still are going to move out at all. She told Sparkles that we were next in line for a two bedroom apartment there though. So now I don't know whether to just move on to a different apartment complex or to hold out for that one. I don't suppose I'm in any real rush but Sparkles is having to stay with his parents in Muscle Shoals, which means he's driving about an hour & a half to work and an hour & a half back home. Most of the other apartments around there are income-based & we collectively make too much to get accepted and shit. So I'm not sure what to do.

I think my mental health would be overall better if I had my own place away from here. And I could avoid select people easier if I lived so much closer to my friends, ya know? Hah. Avoidance is the best. I've been doing that a lot lately.

Things don't seem to be going so well lately. I don't mean in life; I mean in me. In my head. Everything in life seems the same as always (perhaps that's the problem?) but for some reason, I'm feeling a lot like I used to back in high school.

For the most part, I've been much, much happier since I graduated high school. I've changed a lot. I've become more social (hey, any socializing trumps none at all), I've made some great (& better) friends, I've got a good (albeit annoying at times) job. I've become more open & more accepting towards others as well as myself. My attitude about life as a whole has changed. I'm more of myself now. I should be happier. But I'm not.

I think the majority of my unhappiness is stemming from what it's almost always stemmed from -- loneliness. All of my friends (I say all but let's face it, that's really only like what? 6 people?) have a significant other or some sort of relationship & I'm feeling really left out and shit.

I'm like those goth kids Heather & I were talking about at Ozzfest. The ones that bitch about being outcasts after they make themselves that way. I withdraw with people & then feel ignored. It's fucked up, I know.

I want to be the most important person in the world to someone. And what's funny is that I know who I'd want that person to be but it's a completely lost cause. I waste my time by even briefly entertaining the idea.

And yes, Heather, I do realize that once you finally read this, you'll start asking me who I'm referring to.. Just don't be too persistant if I don't tell you, okay?

I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time. It's the worst feeling in the world. And yet whenever I talk to this person, that feeling overwhelms me. I think that maybe I just need to take a break from that person. Or something. Fuck, I don't know.

It's like some huge, vicious cycle. I talk to said person & end up feeling like shit because of the whole wasting my time thing. Then I'm pissy with everyone else. Then I feel even worse because I tick people off.

I'm thinking maybe my whole idea of becoming a hermit isn't really such a bad idea after all.

past - future