I find myself missing Tia. Yes, that Tia. The Tia that was my best friend but fucked me over. The Tia that should be the last thing on my mind.

I read both her diaries today. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself. Some shit going on in my life right now reminds me a lot of her and Brittany (future roomie) is similar to her in quite a few ways. Similar to the Tia I once valued above all others. I don't know why I read those entries.

I do remember looking up at the grid. I wish I didn't but I do.

At first, the missing wasn't really that bad & I could easily ignore it. But then I started looking around at Alison's (and assorted others) diary and found comments and notes from Tia. That didn't help at all, ya know? I know I'm a fucking retard for missing her.

I think that maybe I'm just missing the closeness that I had with her. I miss having someone that I could call at 3 am, when I was depressed and couldn't sleep (not that I ever really did that but it was nice to know that I could've if I had needed to..haha). I miss having someone to sleep with, someone to hold..

I know that I'd probably be okay if I had like a replacement or something, ya know? I hate being lonely all the time.

So lonely but not alone.

I was supposed to go see a movie or something with Kevin last night but I never called him to confirm plans. Brittany said she was going to kick my ass when she saw me again because she knows how much I like the guy. I told Jason that I regreted not calling him & he was like 'you really should've called, he could've been waiting around all day for you to call'. Bah. I do regret not calling him. It would've been fun to hang out. Ya know, if I could've managed to get past the fact that we weren't going towards where I thought we were going.

I talked to Berkey about all of that & about how I had gotten too attached - just like I told him I probably would. And he basically suggested that I just kinda back off and be a friend right now. Then he was like 'because that's how Heather & I started out & look at us now' or something like that. That makes me feel better but in a way, it's just false hope, ya know? Just because things with Berkey & Heather turned out okay doesn't mean that Kevin & I will eventually hook up. It'd be nice if that were the case though. Yeah..

Heather's sitting next to me (posting this at work, of course) & is telling me to hurry up. If I could think of anything else to say, I think I might pointlessly ramble on for another half hour or something. I've been making this entry for an hour. Ugh.

My birthday is in 5 days. I win.

past - future