2005-07-19 - 11:38 P.M.

So I've kinda given up on this diet thing. I realized that I wasn't really doing it for myself anymore. I was more just doing it to get the acceptance of everyone else & that fucking disgusted me. So I decided I'd just abandon it. I'm still kinda watching what I eat (kinda meaning that I love food too much and don't care enough to put forth a full effort).

And part of what helped me come to this decision is the fact that I thought that, for once in my life, someone was actually attracted to me the way I already was. For once, someone else was telling me, the fat chick, that so-and-so was interested in her. For once, I wasn't that someone else telling my skinny friend that the guy in her fourth period class had the hots for her.

Things never seem to work out for me though. I got really excited about the idea & I started getting attached to Kevin & everything. And today, I was talking to Heather about how I wasn't sure what he wanted from me. She basically was like 'well, he hasn't talked to me about this whole situation so maybe you should talk to him about it'. So I took her advice and asked him, ya know, what he wanted in this. He already knows how much I like him so I was just like 'man, temporary/fling type things aren't my deal, & I have no clue what you want from this, I'm not trying to pressure you, I'm just asking where you see this going'. His response? "I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I'm not looking to get close to anyone any time soon".

Berkey's efforts to hook the two of us up were pointless and a waste of time.

Why? Because I'm always the friend. I'm sick of it but that's just the way things are. And I know I'm probably sounding really over-dramatic right now. I'm sorry. I just feel really let down. I've been feeling like complete shit the past two days & hearing that I apparently had the complete wrong idea wasn't really what I needed to help me feel better.

I knew this was going to happen though. That's what brought me to the subject to begin with. Because I was starting to see myself getting too attached to him & I knew if I didn't clarify things, I was going to be seriously hurt. It's not what I wanted & I wish I hadn't asked him, but it's what I needed. I still feel like shit though.

I hate thinking 'what if I never find someone?' because hell, I'm only 19/20. It's bound to happen eventually, ya know? But those stupid thoughts go through my head anyway. It's like I'm powerless to stop them. What if I'm always alone? What if I never have something serious? What if I never find love?

What I hate most of all is that I'm crying as I'm typing this. I'm tired of fucking tears. I'm tired of fucking holding myself out on the line, only for someone to run by and cut the string as soon as I find my balance. And I'm tired of the people who are going to read this & be like 'aw, Jess, I felt the same way at your age, you're stronger than this, you'll be okay'. I don't feel too fucking strong right now. I feel like that same 14 year old girl who'd stay at home on Friday nights, watching movies, while all her friends were out on dates. I feel like that same young girl who would cry herself to sleep at night, wondering when she'd finally have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm tired of the same old shit.

I think I'm tired of being me.

past - future