Yeah, I know. I freaked out when he told me. And I do mean "freaked out". I cried for about an hour & a half after he first broke the news. To be quite honest, I'm still freaked out a bit. He said he wasn't signing up for the infantry though. He wants to do "counter intelligence". Sounds nifty, eh?

I'm sad that he's going to have to cut off all his hair before I'll get a chance to see it (webcam & pics obviously do not count). Yup. He's going to look a lot different with the buzzcut.

We've had a conversation before about how when he had short hair, he apparently looked like he had Downs Syndrome. I'm hoping he's grown out of that. Although I would laugh quite long & hard about it if he hasn't. Oh my god, will I laugh. (Jim, I love you even if I do admit to laughing at you all the time. It's the beauty of what we have. Lots of laughing at each other, even though you won't admit that you're actually laughing at me).

Anyway, I've talked with a few people about it, trying to seek comfort in their words. Paul told me a bit about how it would work out with him joining but the thing that stuck most with me is "just because he doesn't sign up for infantry, doesn't mean he won't get shot at" or something to that effect.

I know (and appreciate) that Paul was just being honest but that only made me cry more. I don't want to think of Jim being shot at or possibly hurt. I don't like that he might be overseas. Alaska is far away already. Sigh.

Part of the freak out was also because he's going to be in active duty or whatever for four years. Four years. Jim tried telling me that it was "only" four years. Not 10, not 20, just four. And I keep trying to reassure myself of that, telling myself that it's not a big deal. "It's only four years, Jess, and you've already survived over one year without him here. You can handle four more. He'll be back before you know it!"

Yeah, that's not working out so well.

I guess it just bothers me a lot because this seems to put such a damper on the plans to visit each other, ya know? Lynn made a nice point about how he'll still have leave & everything (which insane, freaking-out Jess hadn't even thought of until she mentioned it) so I know we'll still get to see each other.

I keep worrying that he'll go overseas and something will happen to him and I'll miss my chance to ever see him. How insane am I? I can't believe I'm even thinking of that option. Ugh.

I think I might've given him the wrong impression with my panicking. I mean, I don't agree with the idea at all. I'd much rather he stay here where it's safer, but I support him no matter what he decides to do. He's very brave for even considering the idea. And as far as worrying that we won't have the chance to visit each other, I believe that if we're truly meant to be together, it will be so. My friend Edward (who was once in the Navy) said, "if you really want to see each other, you'll find a way". I'm really trying to hang onto that and not go into fits of worry again.

Ya know those soppy love movies and war stories about the woman's true love dying off in battle and her never loving again? Yeah, I could definitely see myself as one of those women if anything were to happen to Jim.

I guess I just have to keep faith. I have to convince myself that everything is going to work out in the end. I have to keep believing that Jim will be safe and that I'll get to see him soon. I know that I have to do all this stuff but the hard part is actually succeeding. I don't know if I can stay optimistic in a situation like this.

I don't think I'm strong enough to have someone I care so much about go into a war.

To Jim: Darling, I understand that you feel you have to do this and I just want you to know that I'm behind you 100 percent. I care for you more than anyone I know and I admire you so much for what you're doing (even if it is only for the college money you'll receive afterwards..haha). Hell knows I could never suck up enough courage to do something like that. You're so much stronger than I. And if you're right and there really is a god, I hope he/she sticks with you through all of this and keeps you safe. I love you always...

past - future