2005-02-19 - 12:52 A.M.

So I've been feeling kind of lost lately. And I have some things bothering me in life that I'm really, really trying to get resolved. The problem is that when I try to talk it over with people or I try to change things, I don't accomplish anything. I end up exactly where I started. I apologize in advance if this doesn't make any sense. I'm just super-emotional tonight and kinda teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit.

I got really bored and everything last night so I looked up flight prices at travelocity.com to various places. It'd cost $217 for a round-trip to Houston to see Mark. It'd cost $273 to visit Nicholas in Los Angeles. It'd cost $602 to be with Jim in Alaska. And how much would it cost to visit Lucy in Perth? About $4317. Yeah.

The price to see Mark is actually plausible so I kinda picked that up and ran with it. I even compared that to a Greyhound bus ticket earlier today at work. It'd only cost me $118 for the bus if I bought the ticket a week in advance. Well, after I found that out, I got really excited because I thought I might be seeing this guy that I've known and cared a lot about for over three years.

I text messaged Nicole and asked her if she'd go to Houston with me to meet up with him. I text messaged Mum and asked her if that was cool with her. I even text messaged Nicholas to tell him. He was happy for me, that I was finally going to be hanging out with Mark for a week or so.

I was so happy and excited today. And then I called Mark on the way home a few hours ago. Apparently he would like me to visit but that's just not possible because his mum would never let me stay there. I'd have to get a hotel. And I just can't afford that.

I was so close. I'd even picked out an approximate time as to when I'd like to leave and then come back. And I'm so fucking stupid that I just assume that it'd be cool if I stayed with him and his family.

And now I'm really bummed. I'm bummed because for the past 19 years, I've felt like I was in the wrong place. I've never belonged here. I guess I just thought that I would feel different if I visited him (or anyone else for that matter).

I think I'd be less bummed if he had gotten as excited about it as I did. He didn't even seem disappointed when I said that I couldn't afford that and probably needed to save up for the move anyway.

So I've made a complete 360 since last night. I thought I was finally getting out of this place. I thought I was going to see someone that means as much to me as I mean to them. I thought I would finally belong somewhere. And that maybe I had finally found my home.

Now I'm back to being lost and not having any clue where to turn. I know that I'm going forward but where am I going to? Am I even pointed in the right direction? And although there's an illusion of people making the journey with me, I really just know that I'm alone. Horribly alone.

past - future