2005-02-14 - 1:51 A.M.

So I was hoping that I would just fall asleep tonight and then wake up with it suddenly Tuesday instead of Valentine's day but no, it obviously is V-day. Ugh. I hate feeling so lonely on Valentine's day. Especially when all my friends (mostly single & bitter ones) point out how the holiday only exists to feed society's obvious materialism and to make people feel guilty for not expressing their love through meaningless material possessions.

Yeah. They're so right but still single & bitter.

Although it's a horrible holiday, I sent a letter and V-day card off to Jim on Saturday (yes, I realize that I procrastinate too much and now it'll arrive late). And while I feel better about finally saying some things to him that I've kinda kept bottled up, I feel worried and nervous about opening up to him like that. I keep wondering if maybe I should've just shut my mouth and wished him a 'Happy Valentine's day' the same way I will with everyone else - with just words through a computer screen.

I feel so alone right now. I'd like to talk to Mark about it but he's busy. He's always busy. I don't really know to talk to him about it anyway. It's weird that after knowing him for 3 1/2 years or so, I still have problems opening up to him. I'm obviously retarded.

When I stopped by the post office yesterday morning to get a stamp and mail off Jim's letter & card, I found $50 lying in front of the stamp machine. Twelve hours later, the $50 was completely gone and I was four CDs richer. Yum. Well, all yum except one. I thought I was purchasing one of Mudvayne's albums and technically, I was but it was a bunch of demo stuff that they had re-released and it sucks a lot. But I also bought Coldplay's 'Parachutes', Live's 'The Distance Here', and In Flames's 'Colony' so those three more than make up for the fact that the Mudvayne album is horrible. I'm planning on trading it back in when I head back up there (probably on Tuesday). I think I'm gonna buy a Doors album or maybe some Led Zeppelin. I'm in that type of mood right now.

As much as I hate this day every year, I'd still love to have someone I could spend it with. And I'd like flowers. Preferably some daisies or lilies. Or maybe just a single rose. I don't want chocolate though. No chocolates. Maybe some of those dorky little candy hearts. Those are the best. And I'd like to stay home all day with my love, lying in bed and talking, kissing, making love..

Stupid Valentine's day. Stupid lack of love and flowers and chocolate.

For the past four years, I've at least had someone somewhere who loved me. ..Even if they weren't here with me. And now I just have a bunch of friends. And a friend that I wish I had more with...

I think I'm gonna end this now. Sigh. Happy Valentine's day, everyone.

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