I mean, I'm not really blaming my friends. Not at all. I'm the one that has problems confronting and "revealing" things anyway.

I think Mark got upset earlier today when he found out that there are things that I don't share with him. To be honest though, there are a lot of things that I just don't talk about at all.. With anyone. I'd much rather deal with it all myself and avoid long, tiring conversations about my "well-being" or "how can I help you, Jess?". The last thing I want to do is bother everyone.

I can't really even begin to discuss most things with Nicole. I guess I'm afraid that I'd freak her out or something. Ya know, since we've only known each other since like August or something. And really, we didn't start actually talking until around late September/early October.

Mark and Jim are my two closest friends online but every time I try to talk to them about things, I only end up crying and then wimping out. I tried speaking with Jim earlier today about some uncertainties I have right now but he just shrugged and then told me that he didn't have an opinion in the matter. And rather than press the subject, I just gave up and went off to read for a while & maybe clear my mind.

And as far as Mark goes, I don't really think he deserves to hear any of it. I'm not sure why but every time I start to talk to him about things, I just feel really bad about doing it. He has better things to deal with, ya know? He doesn't want to hear me whining about bullshit.

In short, I guess I just feel really guilty for unloading problems on other people. That's one of the reasons I got this diary to begin with. I kept a written diary pretty steadily until around age 14 and then it just started getting less and less frequent. So I started this up around age 17, I guess, as a way to kinda avoid discussing most things with people. Obviously it didn't really turn into something like that but I swear that was it's original intention. My mistake was showing everyone the address soon after I started it. You can't really put anything here & then hand the addy off to someone without feeling exactly the same as if you told them directly, ya know?

What's so fucked up is that even though I feel guilty if I contemplate telling them, I still feel bad for not sharing so much. I'm fairly certain that I could ask Jim or Mark absolutely anything and they'd trust me enough to answer honestly. So why can't I just get over this guilty feeling and open up to them? Why does it have to be such an internal battle?

Sometimes I think it really would be best if I had a neutral person to talk to about things. Sigh.

past - future