1) Learn how to cook more than just out-of-the-box and/or microwaveable stuff.
2) Socialize more (lots more).
3) Love myself more (I will admit that I love myself more than I did this time last year but I still have a long way to go).
4) Become more diverse & realize I can be the artsy person I've always wanted to be - try painting, pottery, learn to play a new instrument, just something creative.
5) Eat healthier & exercise more (if these were in a particular order, this would be number one).
6) Write and submit raunchy stories for penthouse, nerve.com, whatever (this was suggested to me by a friend who thinks that since I'm always so horny, I'd write wonderfully raunchy sex stories.. I've completely embraced the idea).

Yeah. So there you have it. Anyway, in other news, I've recently realized exactly how much I censor my diary. There's an entire side of me that just doesn't get talked about. I guess I feel that I have to keep the diary a certain way because all these different people read it.

As I told Jim last night, I feel like I'm wasting my time by only writing about certain aspects of me. I purposely hide the way I'm feeling (especially when I'm feeling in a down kind of mood or when the feeling involves a particular person) because I figure that no one would have any interest in reading it at all. But why should I act like that when this is my diary? No offense to any of you but why should I really care what you think about the things going on inside my head?

I really need to change that. I'm tired of holding back for people.

The other day, Lucy & I discussed her recent bout in a mental ward (& I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning that) and how I should maybe see a therapist about all the things going on in my head. It'd be really nice to talk to someone neutral about all the stuff going on in Jess-land. Of course, this being the pit of hell and a small-ish town, there's no therapists that I would be able to see. The closest ones actually are in Florence, an hour & a half or so away. Maybe I should wait until I move up there or something. Or maybe I should just not see one at all. Maybe I'm just overreacting about things and it's completely normal to feel so lost most of the time.

I'm looking forward to moving off to Florence so I can make a new life for myself. I want to just completely start over (well, mostly rather, because I'd really like to keep all of you as friends) and reinvent myself. I know less than 10 people in Florence and I'm looking so incredibly forward to that because I can be open about me and actually be happy for once. I have too many binds and know way too many people in Haleyville. God I fucking hate this town.

I'm tired of catering to other people's thoughts and feelings. I'm tired of holding back on what I want to do because it might inconvenience someone else. I'm a very indulgent person and don't believe that anyone should get in the way of someone else's happiness. If shooting up heroin makes me happier than I've ever been, then I don't think anyone should stand in my way. Why yes, I'm very selfish and thank you for noticing. I'll admit that it's not one of my better qualities but I'm not apologizing for it.

That being said, in a few years when I'm finished with college and decide to apply for the Americorps, it's a possibility that I'll put in a few applications up in Juneau so I can be near Jim. Really, that just depends on where our friendship is at by then. It's likely that Jim will visit sometime this year for an undetermined amount of time and I'd like to visit him sometime in the near future as well.

I completely realize that most everyone (at least those of you that are aware of who Jim is) is cursing at his/her computer screen and calling me horrible names right now. I understand your concern, guys. I really do. However, it's my understanding that if you guys love me as much as you say you do, you'll love me no matter what -- even if I do things that you're not particularly fond of.

Hey, at least I'm not shooting up heroin though, right?

past - future