| crumbling |
2004-12-22 - 5:29 P.M.
This was supposed to be a nice entry about how I got my Christmas present from Alison. This was supposed to be me talking about how she got me a book called 'Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself' by Sabrina Ward Harrison. This was gonna be about how I cried when I read the title because I'm still struggling to accept me.. About how I cried on every single page I've read so far because I was reading my own thoughts. It was going to be about how I've never received a more thoughtful gift. Look, someone actually notices how I feel about me and doesn't ignore it. Someone actually tries to help me and point me in the right direction. Thanks, Alison. It really means a lot.
But no. Something else happened. Everyone should guess what came in the mail today. If any of you said 'your grades, Jess', then you're absolutely right. I didn't go to the mailbox today because I was crying & immersing myself in my new, absolutely lovely book. Mum opened the envelope before she even got inside the house. And now I'm being yelled at. Now I'm hearing I've disappointed her and 'Why do you do this to me, Jess?'. I'm hearing that I'll never amount to anything and I'll just have to work down at ClientLogic for the rest of my life.. "With all those fags". She blames my poor grades on the internet. It's just like I told a lot of you.. Whenever I fuck up, it's always because of the internet. It's always because of who I talk to on here. It's because I think about all of you too much and don't pay attention to the real world. "You're too busy thinking about what to get Alison for Christmas or about Mark or whoever, instead of thinking about the real life". She blamed my diary too. She says that I'm concentrating more about putting myself up on an online diary, putting things that I shouldn't be.. Up here for the world to see. She also said she's not helping me pay for any more classes at BSCC or for anything once I move off to UNA. I've already withdrawn so many different loans from my credit union, that they're not going to let me have $600 more to take those two classes (English Comp. II & Microcomputer Applications). I'm going to have to work full-time at ClientLogic to even stay afloat. I have 3 different loans to pay off, plus a car payment & insurance and my cellphone bill. I'm sorry that I seem to be whining right now. I know that a lot of the people that read this have been paying shit like that for years and still seem to survive. I'm probably being overdramatic. But the problem is that not only do I have to pay for all of that, but I still have to save up for an apartment in Florence and then somehow find thousands of dollars each semester to pay for schooling at UNA. I'm lost right now. And just to make things worse, I told Mark last night that I've been talking with Jim again (yes, you read that right.. Jim). We've been talking for the month & a half or so. We've been casually talking about him visiting sometime on down the road, just to see if things would work out between us. I don't really know why I told Mark. I probably shouldn't have. I would've been much better just keeping my mouth shut. Instead, I told him and now he's lost all respect in me. I'm fairly certain that if I spontaneously burst into flames right now, he wouldn't even bat an eyelash. He'd probably just tell me that I deserved it or something equally non-caring. I wish I had more than $40 right now. I'd just go ahead and leave. Just run away and not look back. I'm not even sure where I'd go. I just know that I can't handle the yelling any more. I can't handle the constant disapproval (from Mark or from Mum). I can't handle the fact that I cry myself to sleep on almost a regular basis and just wish for an escape. I can't handle my own life. |
