| moving on |
2004-11-06 - 4:02 p.m.
I'm so tired of just shutting up and pretending like I can forget. I've been trying to spare the feelings of someone who couldn't save me the same luxury. I don't like keeping all the anger and shit bottled up inside. And hell knows it's not healthy at all. So yes, this is where I open up. This is where I open up because I don't give a fuck what people (ie. Jim) think of me anymore.
For the most part, things are going pretty good in my life. I have good friends, I have a good job, and I'm learning things about myself. The not-so-lovely side of it, however, are the small bouts of depression I have every once and a while. Okay, well, quite frequently actually. Why depression? Because the guy that I cared for most in the world, that I wanted to start a life with someday, fucked me over. And for some really fucked up reason, I felt it a good decision to just kind of 'forgive him' and invite him back into my life. Yeah, it wasn't a good decision. It just made things worse and prolonged the attempt at ridding my life of him. I should've had him out of it two months ago. Hell, to be technical, I should've had him out of it to begin with. The entire relationship that we had was a mistake. He lied to me, he put on a fake persona, & I ignored gut instincts and went along with it anyway. I wish I'd just listened to Mark. I wish I'd had enough courage to stand on my own instead of fight for something that was already dead. I wish I'd confessed to myself how I was feeling about everything and left sooner. That's the problem with Jess. She's very afraid of being alone. She's so insecure in herself that she feels she's worthless if she doesn't have someone who loves her in that sort of way. I know, I know. It's a very bad quality to have and I'm sincerely trying to work out the problem. I'm getting better. I mean, hell, I'm alone right now. That should say something, right? In a way, I kind of wish I'd never even started talking with him. I wish Rena had never introduced the two of us. I loved him so much, but in retrospect I realize that he never cared as much about me as I did about him. And he lacked the balls to tell me that he didn't feel the same way anymore. He neglected to tell me that he didn't even put much faith in online relationships to begin with. And to make up for his cheating with Tia, he sent soppy emails and bought me gifts. He's fucking slime. I haven't spoken with him regularly in quite a while but I kept him on my contact lists on MSN & AIM to avoid closing the door on my past. I have real problems letting things go. I don't like leaving things unsaid & never knowing 'what if'. So here's my venting. I'm no longer leaving things unsaid & there is no 'what if's. There's only me & my Jim-free life. I deleted him from all my contact lists last night. Be proud of me. And to you, Jim, looking back it's easy to see that you're confused. I try to think of it that way at least.. As you trying to find yourself, rather than you actually being this much of an asshole. One day you'll learn that you can't just fuck with people's heads like that. Maybe you'll be able to at least admit to your actions & stop acting like they don't exist. Maybe you'll be honest. I think this is all I really had to say. I still feel really bad about not listening to Mark from the beginning though. Hell, when I first told him about Jim & I, he told me that the relationship would be doomed because of the way it started. I should've just stopped then. It would've avoided a lot of heartbreak. I think I would've missed out on a few good lessons though. Everything happens for a reason. I've learnt my lesson & now I'm completely moving on. No more looking back. :) |
