I've tried talking to Mark about it but when I message him, he either gets quiet after a while or he's really slow to respond to what I'm saying. I thought about calling him to discuss it all but I know that I'd just end up crying and really, he's the last person that deserves my sobbing in his ear. The only two people that I've talked to about this are Lucy and Nicholas. I've only hinted about it with Nicholas because getting in depth just makes me feel stupid. Lucy's heard the heart of it and she's really the only one who knows what's going on inside me right now. Hell, Matt still thinks I'm super-lovely and mostly happy. I haven't told him any different really because he has his own things to deal with right now and he doesn't need my whining to add to that.

So I figure I should just put it in my diary. I mean, it's a diary, ya know? It's supposed to be a place to rant about my feelings and shit. Isn't that the entire point? To talk about things that you can't really talk about anywhere else?

There's a problem though. See, I know that Jim has occasionally still been reading my diary. And I don't want him to read this and see that I'm unhappy. I want him to think that everything is roses and I couldn't possibly be happier. I don't want him to think that I need him. He's obviously happy without me around and I'd really like for him to think that it's mutual.

The truth is that I miss him. I miss him so fucking much that it hurts. And I know that I've been treated unfairly by him and even he has admitted that I've been wronged. But for some reason, I still keep wanting to message him or call him up and tell him about how things are going at work, school, whatever. I see/hear all these things every day that remind me of him. And instead of making me smile like they used to, they make me tear up now. I get back into town after work and I pick up the phone to call Jim but then realize that I can't. I'm pretty sure that we're never going to speak again and I'm almost certain that I can't do shit to change that.

When I think of what he did, I know I'm better off without him. If he'd really cared to begin with, he wouldn't have done what he did. And I feel so fucking stupid for still loving him after that. I'm wishing there was a fucking 'Off' switch so I didn't have to deal with this hurt anymore.

God this is going fucking nowhere. I still love him and he couldn't care less about me. Common sense would tell you 'stop fucking loving him and missing him like this!'. Fucking hell. I wish it were that easy. I just want to forget all these things he's said to me before. I want to forget what his voice/laugh sounds like. I want to forget all these times we've had but I can't. I feel like I'm being punished.

I'm going to end this now. Maybe I can actually fall asleep tonight without crying...

past - future