I guess I can say that I'm completely lost though. The stuff that I'm going through right now reminds me so much of shit that I went through with Mark. It reminds me so much of said shit that I contemplated calling him last night around 3-ish so I could explain the whole situation to him. I didn't want to wake up everyone else in his house though.

Anyway.. Enough of that.

Jim is visiting in 2 weeks (or less). Well, actually, he supposedly is. See, Dan suggested giving him a ride down here a couple of months ago. Apparently we (Jim, Tia, and I) all jumped on that idea and now Dan is thinking he might not be able to afford it. Tia has tried bribing Dan to visit but I'm not sure she has been very successful so far. I've offered to lend them some money to use on the way back to SLC but of course Jim turned down my offer. I dunno. I can't wait 2 more months to see him, guys. I really, really can't.

Is it bad that I have to ask someone's permission before I can rant freely in my diary? I think it is. I think I'm just going to rant about it anyway and make it a private entry until I get the 'ok' to unlock it.

This kinda requires some background (ie. the shit I went through with Mark) so bear with me, okay?

So about two years ago, I went through a quite painful situation with Mark. When it was "over" (and I use quotation marks because really, considering his reaction to the situation, it wasn't over at all), he told me he was broken and needed to take a break from us to fix himself. I distinctly remember our conversations about how he didn't feel anything anymore -- he was just an empty shell. For months and months, this went on and I waited around for him to fix himself. It was like he was a completely different person. He was so different from the Mark that I knew and loved. He wouldn't tell me he loved me and he was always snappy-ish and cold. Eventually, he fixed himself and we were semi-cool again but it was just kinda too late, I suppose. I don't regret any of that at all though because I like what we have now. Just friends. None of the drama and bullshit that went on when he and I were together. This is definitely a healthier relationship and everything. But anyway..

I bet you're wondering where I'm going with all of this and why, huh?

Eh, Jim told me last night that he couldn't feel anything. He said he knew the love for me was there but he just couldn't feel it. He feels nothing. No, I don't know what brought all of this on and neither does he. He said it's never happened to him before and he's not sure it's fixable. And I don't know what to do or say.

It feels the same way as it did with Mark. It's like I'm talking with a completely different person. He has no emotion so he just seems really cold and distant. And because I don't know the person that he is right now, I get defensive and completely ruin the possibility of having a nice, happy conversation.

I cried almost the entire time I spoke with him last night. And when I actually told him I was about to cry, he didn't try to stop me or comfort me like he usually does. He didn't tell me it would be okay, he didn't ask me to not cry. He just let me.

I was talking to him about his visit in a couple of weeks. I wasn't exactly getting the touchy-feely vibe that almost always oozes from Jim, ya know? So I asked him if he was going to be this same way when he visited or if I'd have to control my urges to just be all over him. "I don't know. What will happen, will happen." This is a big change from his agreeing with me a few weeks ago about our not being able to keep our hands off each other. This is not the same Jim that I've grown incredibly close to the past 8 months. I don't know how to react around this Jim; I don't know what's expected of me.

I don't want this to be permanent. I want him to fix himself. I want the old Jim back. The one that smiles and laughs all the time and is always so happy to see me. The one that tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and absolutely can't wait to see me in 2 weeks. The one I fell completely in love with.

I wonder if I'll ever see that Jim again.

past - future