Reason Why Today Has Been Hell #1 - Something is really, really bothering Jim. That, in turn, bothers me. He won't tell me what it is though. I tried to get him to talk about it but he said he didn't want to even think about it. This bothers me even more. I don't like secrets. Especially when those secrets are being kept from me by my love. It's okay though because part of the reason he's not telling me is so I don't feel bad and/or cry. Ya gotta respect that. And plus, the fact that he's keeping something from me is completely overshadowed by the fact that I made him smile and/or laugh. :) So all is completely well. Onto reason number two...

Reason #2 - Tia and I didn't get the dorm. Well, actually, we did get a dorm. Just not one that we wanted. See, the rooms on the bottom floor have their own private bathrooms. The ones on the top floor, however, don't. The ones on the top are also considerably smaller than the bottom ones. It seems all the bottom ones have been filled for the time being so we can either a) live in a dorm room on the top floor, or b) stay at home for another month or two.

While I'm not looking forward to sharing a bathroom with anyone (We'll be sharing it with the room next to us), another month at home with Mum (Not to mention Dad and Joseph) will kill me. So apparently Tia and I are going to share a bathroom with two track preps for a month or so until we can move into a room on the bottom floor. This makes me greatly upset. This also guarantees that I'll make some hardcore enemies about a week after we move in. I don't do well with sharing with COMPLETE STRANGERS. Fucking hell.

Reason #3 - Mum is dragging me off to church tonight to see my cousin sing. Quick, ask me if I give a fuck. No, no I do not.

And speaking of church, Jim has apparently 'found God'. He said he had a dream recently in which God told him that if he got his shit together, his dreams would all come true and such. His dreams? To be successful and to be with me. Stupid God. I could've already told him those were going to come true. Either way, he's found God. He still says he's not going to do the whole church thing. So that's good. I did tell him though that if he ever started attending church regularly, I would not be able to be myself around him.

Now I'm scared again that I'll lose him. I don't want anything to change between us. Things are so wonderful between us right now. I don't want that to go away.

In my head, religion in all shapes and forms = a big crutch for weak people. I don't want Jim to have to have that crutch. He knows that I'll love him either way. I'll always love him. But the day that he starts up with the Christian this, Christian that, that I've heard the past 19 years of my life, is the day that he'll leave me.

He tried assuring me that just because he believed in a higher power now, didn't mean that he was going to become some bible-thumper or attend church or whatever. I really hope he's right about that. I also hope he doesn't expect me to tag along with him on the whole 'I believe in God' train. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than rely on something that, as far as I know, doesn't even exist.

past - future