This diary doesn't discuss me anymore. It's this stupid, repetitive account of what goes on in my day-to-day life. It doesn't even begin to express how I'm really feeling or anything, ya know? I always talk about what I've done that day or what happened the last time Tia stayed over or just random stuff about Jim. I never say 'Well, I'm sad and here's why'. I hate that. I feel fake. I feel like I'm wearing some happy little mask and putting on a show for you all.

I'm not happy. I'm not sure I've ever been truly happy. Why? Because I've always lacked the one thing I wanted most -- someone to love.

Now that I've found that person, it's only my luck that he lives 2000+ miles away, ya know? How can someone be happy in a situation like that? Sometimes I'm amazed at the fact that I can even put on a smile for people. Jim seems to handle it so much better than I do. I wish I could be more like him.

I'm deeply, deeply afraid that I'm going to lose all these people I care most about. I know, I know. I can hear Matt saying "Relaxxx" and Jim saying "Don't worry about it". But I do worry about it. And I can't relax. I've already lost most all of the people I was close to. The only person around here that I regularly socialize with anymore is Tia. My only other close friends, Matt and Lucy, live in different countries. I guess Dan and Thomas are my friends as well but Thomas never really talks to me that much and I hardly ever see Dan online or anything. I guess they're really just Jim's friends, rather than mine. And then there's Jim. Sigh. We all know that my greatest fear in the world is that he won't like me when he finally visits or that he'll find someone better than me so we won't even dive into that discussion.

If I were with him, I don't think I'd be afraid of that so much. Long-distance relationships just work that way, I suppose.

I wish I were with him right now. It kills me that I can't reach out and touch him. I spoke with him on the phone last night for the first time in almost two weeks and cried afterwards because I wanted to be there so damn much.

I don't know why I'm making this diary entry. Usually, I can just ignore it and then be temporarily cheered up by Tia or Jim or someone. I'm alone tonight though. I tried calling Tia (twice) earlier but didn't get an answer. Jim was online but he was busy watching a movie or whatever and left without saying anything. I really wish I could talk to him right now. I need him to tell me that he loves me and that everything is gonna be okay.

I'm sorry for this, guys. Let's act like I didn't make this entry, okay?

past - future