| selfish? |
2003-12-10 - 1:05 a.m.
So I'm feeling like a selfish bitch right now. And so I escape to my diary (Although it's really not any more private than telling a friend would be). I guess it's just easier to type out most things, rather than actually saying them. It seems less real if you just go about it like this. But anyway.. I digress. Back to my feeling like a selfish bitch.
Well, here's my situation right now.. I have like all of $4, plus some random change, to my name. I've been out of work for almost 2 months and as far as money for Christmas presents goes, I'm totally fucking screwed. So I decided to just send Christmas cards to everyone and hope that was better than nothing, ya know? So I felt bad for just sending Mark a Christmas card without a gift attached to it. And I told him that. So he was like, 'My bro once spent 2 bucks on a shirt for me and it rocked.' So I'm thinking 'Okay, Good, T-shirts, Jess can handle T-shirts.' When I head off to the Regency Square Mall on Monday, I'm gonna look around for things that look Mark-like. Hopefully I can find something he'll like. I'll probably have to end up borrowing money from Mum but surely she won't mind. I hope not, at least. :- But anyway.. Onto the 'selfish bitch' part. Is it too much to ask for to get a small Christmas card or even a letter from him in return?? I'm not really hard to please when it comes to things like that. I just want something that will show me that he cares. I want to feel appreciated. :( I want him to totally surprise me and send me something that'll make me cry or smile or.. Something.. I don't know. I just feel like I'm not worth the effort. Or that I'm not deserving of even a little $.50 Christmas card with a few nice thoughts and maybe a picture inside. I'd cherish that little piece of paper for ages. Even something so small and inexpensive would completely satisfy me and make me totally beam with light for weeks. I'd show everyone that little card. "Look what I got from my boyfriend, Jess." "Oh, really, well look at this nice little card I got from my friend/boyfriend/Mark." *Jess pulls out a tattered and torn, worn-by-too-much-handling piece of paper and proudly displays it* So does that make me sound selfish? ..Because I feel really bad for so desperately wanting something in return. Does it make him sound like a bad friend/boyfriend/Mark? ..Because he's not. And I know he cares for me and loves me. But I still feel a bit neglected. *Sigh* Just a little piece of paper.. That's all I'm asking for.. |
