Well, the whole New Year's celebration went along pretty well. I actually participated in the festivities for the first time in my life. Haha. Alcohol, bottle rocket wars, & bonfires. It just doesn't get better than that. Well, Heather & Berkey weren't there so I suppose it could've been better. They were off in Indiana visiting his family though. I was originally invited to go along with them (and still wish I had) but his mother ended up bitching about it until I was just not able to go anymore. For some reason, I'm still just slightly bitter about that.

Anyway, I'm not sure there's much else to report. Work is shit & I keep wishing that it was fun like it was back when I was in the printer queue. I don't really like as many people there now & the job is getting horribly redundant and boring for me. Every time I'm there now, I debate just walking out. It's driving me nuts.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm reading The Bell Jar, which is making me even more neurotic than usual. If you combine that with certain recent events, it's almost definite that I will either be locked up in a padded cell or make a fool of myself pretty damn soon. Or both. Quite possibly both.

I dunno. I've just been doing a lot of self-evaluation the past couple of days. Lots of questions. What am I doing, where am I going, why this, why that..

I can't even answer all these questions that I'm asking myself. That really bothers me.

Berkey & I went to Florence yesterday to see a movie. We actually drove about an hour & a half (or so) to only stay in the mall for that same amount of time & then drive back. We found a used copy of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas so I just bought that for him instead and we headed back to Hamilton to check it out.

Those last few sentences were irrelevant. Stupid rambling.

Anyway, I was driving around backroads in Florence, making our way from the mall to Pegasus Records, and I kept thinking that that's where I need to be..

I need to go back to school. I need to actually go somewhere with my life.

Everything (everyone?) else is changing. So why should I stay?

I already know that Florence (and UNA) is where I should be so why am I still here in Hamilton? At ClientLogic? Why am I staying? Who am I staying for?

This past week has been pretty rough. And it's weird because nothing that has actually happened this week has made it that way. I've just been stuck in this shitty limbo the entire time. I've been around people almost constantly but I still feel so utterly alone.

It always comes back to the loneliness, I know. If this is getting repetitive for some of my older readers, feel free to just head off to another diary now..

Ever since Tia & I kinda drifted apart, I haven't really had someone around to cuddle or whatever. That was my grounding point. I'd go through days where I felt like complete shit, like I was always going to be alone like this -- sleeping alone in a cold bed. And then there'd be a night where Tia & I would just hold each other. It'd temporarily make it all better, ya know?

I'm not saying I miss that with Tia or anything. What I'm getting to is the fact that I had a bit of that last night (not with Tia, of course). Instead of making me feel better like it has before (with Tia), I think it might've caused part of this bout of loneliness. I'm not sure why. I'd like to blame The Bell Jar but hell knows that I was slightly neurotic (maybe more than slightly) before ever even opening its front cover.

Jim & I are only talking about once every 3 or 4 days now. We're hardly ever online at the same time anymore. I'm either off doing something with friends, sleeping, or watching a movie. The same goes for him, only you should probably exchange watching a movie for reading or something of that nature.

Perhaps that's why I'm feeling so gross this past week. It's the lack of Jim. Hah. Who knows. I'm not particularly worried about it (although I do miss him) though, as I know he's still there. I'm in my apathetic, "you don't need anyone" state of mind so I'm not letting our distance from each other (both because there's almost 2 entire countries sandwiched between us & because even when we talk, we're not really talking) get to me at all.

But enough rambling. I have some rum in the kitchen that's wanting me to take a couple of drinks of it (oh god, does that sentence make me sound an alcoholic?). And I think The Angry Beavers might be on Nicktoons right now. Yay for old school Nickelodeon!

past - future