| leaving |
2003-11-06 - 12:12 a.m.
I'm dying inside and I try to open up to Mark and share it all with him. So what does he do? He makes it out to be me "using what he says against him." Is it always about him? Did the idea even cross his mind that maybe, just MAYBE, I was talking about my own problems? Since he obviously won't talk about his.
I'm thinking about leaving for a while. I told Rena about it earlier. I told Mark too but he "didn't know what to say" so when I tried explaining why I've decided to go, he doesn't listen. He just jumps to conclusions. It makes me wonder why I bother. I had a revelation tonight. I suddenly realized that what I have with him, is all that we'll ever have. Some things don't get better. They either stay the same or they get worse. I tried telling him that but he disagreed. He doesn't understand. Once, when he was talking to me about one of his friends losing his girlfriend, the question came up of whether one would leave because he/she loved too much. I said I wouldn't and that it didn't make sense. I understand now though. I know exactly what that chick meant. I'm crying for her. ..And I'm doing exactly what she did. I love him too much to stay. If I stay, one of us gets hurt. And I know what you're saying.. "But you both get hurt anyway.. by your leaving." The pain I'm going to cause by leaving, is nowhere near the magnitude that would be caused by my staying. He'll soon forget I ever existed. If I stay, I'll make us both miserable. I wish I could change that but I can't. I wish so much that I could just be happy with the way things are, that I could just settle for this. I can't. I want more. I can't have it. He and I can never be. It will take some getting used to but it's the way things are. There's no other alternative. |
