Scott found himself a new girl. I was reading his diary the other day and he said "Kalaroth" had prevented him from really ever loving anyone in past relationships.

I guess that's what has triggered this most recent loneliness. The fact that he lied to me and never really ever loved me. All he said to me was a lie. And then there's the fact that he has someone and I don't.. He has someone whom he loves and who loves him in return. And I'm all alone..

Right here, right now, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. Well, technically, it's not a secret. Select few of you that read my diary already know this about me. But I digress. *Clears her throat to make announcement* I, Jess, have never actually had a real girlfriend or boyfriend. All these boyfriends and the girlfriend I've mentioned on here before and in chats with you guys, are just online relationships. They're the only relationships I've ever had. *Shrug* I've never been kissed or anything. I'll be fucking 18 in seventeen fucking days and I've never even been kissed. Gawd I'm a loser...

So that's really how alone I've been. When I say I'm tired of being alone, I mean nothing about Scott or Rob or Mark or any of my other ex-boyfriends. I mean, literally alone. Even when I was with each of them, I was still alone. I've never had anyone. I've never been held, I've never been kissed, I've never even fucking been touched!

I worry alot that I'm never going to find someone. I worry that I'll end up dying alone without ever having someone truly love me. I know I'm just exaggerating and everything and that I'll eventually find love. But I'm fucking heading off to college in the fall. And then, the chances of me finding someone get slimmer and slimmer as each day passes.

I want to find someone. I want someone to like me. I want to be held, I want to be touched, and I want to be kissed. I want to be fucking loved.

past - future